The Nerve of People

So, this weekend, my gf and I had our new bed delivered.  We were in BAD need of a new bed…we wore the other one out, it was dragging (literally). LOL.  Anyway,  there were two delivery guys who brought our new bed and mattresses on Saturday.  After setup one of the guys had me sign something and then wanted to offer me advice on the best place to position the bed, how we should get the matching nightstand, etc…  I felt that he was lingering a bit too long.  And he was. 

After he left, I realized that I had left the “Complete Lesbian Sex” book on my nightstand and since we don’t have a dresser (that won’t be delivered until June ) all of our clothes including our unmentionables were lingering around.   

Thinking back on the things that he was saying, this man thought he was going to get in on the action.  Which makes me wonder why people don’t take lesbian relationships seriously. Even when I told my son’s father, his first response was something about a 3some. I’m sorry, if I was with a man, would that even have left his mouth? 

Even other women don’t take lesbian relationships seriously. Like, do you really think it’s okay to hit on my gf even when she say’s she’s in a relationship?   Did this man really think that he was going to get anywhere with us?  Give me a break!  What give’s? Does anyone else experience this? How do you combat it? 

I can’t help but think that the larger issue is that since our relationships are not recognized or respected by federal law, it gives people free license to disregard us as people in committed relationships.  Plus, with the belief that lesbians do all types of 3somes, 4ways and all this other nonsense, does that contribute to the lack of validity our relationships have in the eyes of others.  I can’t help to think that people think we are just playing… 

I can see this is something that is going to frustrate me and I can feel that I will have to tell quite a few folks off as this comes up. 

For anyone who is unclear I am a lesbian (I like women) , who loves her gf very very much (were in a committed monogamous relationship).  We’re in love. She’s mine and I’m her’s (stop flirting with us)…no 3rd party is needed, wanted or required (there is nothing to read between the lines here)!

Let Them Eat Cake!

We had a great Easter, we I cooked a wonderful dinner.  I made mac and cheese, potato salad (I out did myself this time), a brown sugar glaze for the ham, a sweet potato pie, chocolate cupcakes (for the kiddies) and cake.  My baby heated up the ham, made some sweet potatoes and heated up some rolls.  It was all soo good!  I took a picture of the pie, I drizzled some chocolate on the plate (for presentation purposes) and I made some mocha mouse.  The pie has a graham cracker crust, which was store brought, next time I will make my own.  The crust was OK, not great…I can do better.

Friday was a tough night, there was a spat between the gf and I that really could have broke up up for good.  I think when you know you have the one, there is something that just keeps you together and every obstacle makes us stronger in our relationship.  Though not perfect, we are committed to each other and our relationship.  Plus, I am learning a lot about myself and how I can be a contributor to strife.  It is always so much easier to the point the finger at someone else.  But for me, I am learning about the unconscious (and some conscious )things that I do that don’t help a situation.  But anyway, all is well and my gf brought up the topic of marriage again.   Which leads me to the topic at hand, cake!  Okay, okay, what does marriage have to do with cake?  Well, nothing other than the fact that people have cakes at weddings.  And while when I think marriage there are other things I associate with that word, for some reason cake is in the top 5.

If I were to get married, I would be more focused on creating a strong relationship and just really focusing on my partner than anything.  I am not one to get caught up in the fanfare of weddings and forget about life after the wedding.  BUT, I know that for my wedding a great cake is a must have.  If my gf and I get married, the cake will be chocolate…that’s a given because we are both chocolate freaks.  My baby also likes the piped dots…she’s obsessed with them for some strange reason. But OK, I can work with the dots on the cake.  Found these beautiful cakes, I hope they are as good as they look!  What do you think?

My First Lesbian Love Part 4

I was inspired by Alix to pick up where this story left off. This is sometimes a joy and equally difficult to write, hence, why I have been working on this for months. But nonetheless, here goes part 4…

Part 4 only makes since after readying parts 1, 2 and 3.  This one is kinda long, get comfy

So there I was making the long trip from State College, Pa to Lexington, KY to visit the woman who I loved and lost. The one who broke my heart into a million small pieces. But she contacted me and something compelled me to just hop on the bus to see her. I actually had just bought tickets to a PSU vs somebody (I can’t remember who) football game. It would have been my first Penn State football game…I mean you can’t attend Penn State without going to a football game! Lol

I can’t even remember how long it took to get there, all I remember was my heart beating madly out of control. Several times, I had to pick it up and put it back in my chest because my heart was beating so hard, so fast. Gosh, maybe I shouldn’t go I thought…but it was too late. I was already on my way there. Would she still like me? I’m a little thicker than when she saw me last (actually, I was in the best shape of my life and curves had grew all in the right places)? What does she look like? My mind was moving a million miles a minute…faster than the bus. The trip is a blur, I can’t remember if it took 10, 11 or 12 hours to get there, all I remember was the bus stopping…Lexington, KY. It was time to get off and face the woman whom I loved dearly and broke my heart into two.

There she stood, there I stood. Where I had a million thoughts suddenly, I had none. I was happy to see her, she was happy to see me too! Her friend and teammate drove her to pick me up from the bus station. We hugged and got in the jeep and drove back to campus.

I stayed in her dorm, her roomie was away for the weekend. I know we went to see The Blair Witch Project that weekend and ate lots of KFC.

Somehow, we winded up kissing. I remember her telling me that I didn’t know how fine I was. She remembers things about that day that I don’t even recall. I remember making love to her, it was like we had never been apart. It was beautiful, wonderful and just so so right. She still had basketball practice, so I used the time she was away to study. I remember her coming back from basketball practice glistening in sweat. The sweat on her arms highlighted her muscular arms. I remember looking at all six-foot two inches of her in awe, I have never been so attracted to and so in love with anyone as I was with her.

We spent a lot of time together, talking, laughing, catching up on old times and making love. It was a wonderful weekend. But then I noticed that she began to pull away from me. Something changed. I didn’t know what it was or how to respond. I remember when I was there her girlfriend called (she was dating or somewhat dating this girl we both went to school with, this girl who she was with during her senior of HS. So, I thought that she had broke up with me for this girl. So I didn’t care and had no qualms about being with her…I guess it was my own form of revenge) and I begin to feel bad about even the possibility of being #2. Hell, I am #1…always was and always will be! But I digress…

So, as all good things go, our weekend came to an end. Sometime between that weekend and some days later I got an email from T. Basically saying how her gf was her “angel” blah blah blah. Long story short, we could be friends but nothing more. I got burned again! This time, I guess because I had my guard up, it took me maybe a few weeks to get over it. I believe she called me after that email, I can’t recall if I didn’t answer or if we spoke. Either way, that was the end of us.

Life went on. I experimented with other girls, but never went all the way. Never had I any real feelings for any girl or guy. I never identified as gay, I just thought I was a straight girl who had an experience. There wasn’t a week that went by that I didn’t think of T. There wasn’t a year that went by that I didn’t remember her birthday. I remember being so angry with myself for remembering those things and even thinking about her. Every so often, I would Google her name. She played ball so it was easy to find information on her, she was doing well. I used think “does she think of me, does she even remember me”. I thought of her as probably some type of player, someone who had loads of girlfriends. But more so I thought that our relationship meant nothing to her and that she never really loved me.

I just let that part of me go. I wasn’t really attracted to any other women, except for a few I would see on TV. Everyone I was around was straight, so it was just easier to just go on and date guys. But funny thing, I never really dated many guys either…I wasn’t attracted to very many guys. In my senior year of college, I got pregnant with my son. I finished school and was ready to marry my son’s father. I thought I loved him, but I knew I didn’t love him that much. I convinced myself that I would grow to love him. After all, isn’t marrying him the right thing to do? I mean, I graduated from college, I had started my career, I already had a child. I was just missing the marriage piece, right? I mean, I reasoned that I had to check off that box. There I was ready to marry someone who was not only not for me, but someone who I didn’t love. Moreover, this someone was emotionally, mentally and sometimes even physically abusive to me.

I saw love as something that everyone could/should/would have but me. I just wanted to focus on my career. I didn’t strive to find someone who would treat me right because of loosing my only love not once but twice and because I just thought it was too hard. I just felt that you could love someone with everything and they can still leave you. I didn’t want to endure another broken heart.

One day I looked in the mirror and I did not recognize the person staring back at me. I remember after a particurlary bad argument with my son’s father one morning while I was driving I looked down at my hand on the steering wheel and it was shaking. It was then that I decided to take my life back, I realized that I couldn’t put myself or my son through a life with a “man” who was just horrible to me. I didn’t want my son to see that. I didn’t want him to think that was normal or OK.

During this time, my mom had passed away. It was a difficult time for me. Still, I thought about T. Sometimes, I wondered if she knew what I was going through if she would come console me. I remember her and despite everything, she was always there for me. I remember her putting me and what I wanted/needed even before her own wants and needs. I remember spending that time surrounded by people but alone. It was around this time I started going back to church.

I told my son’s dad that I was moving out. He told me I couldn’t do it, I didn’t make enough money to live on my own. He constantly sought to discourage me and to make me doubt myself and my abilities. What he didn’t know was that my desire to succeed and to have a better life was greater than his need to control and his insecurities. He told me that if I moved out, that would be the end of us…and that was fine by me.

Still, I never forgot T. Every now and again, I would wonder where she was and how she was. I would also remember still being angry with what she did to me. Still upset that I never forgot her and tried as hard as I could to stop loving her. I hated that I still loved her. Not that I admit it to myself that I did, but deep down I did. So, I was on my own. I had my share of struggles, but I fought back. My income increased until I was good quite well. Soon, I bought my own home and had a pretty good side business. I spent a lot of time in church, on this group or on that group. Still, something was missing, I didn’t know what it was. And if I felt it, I would just pray, go to church or bible study or whatever was going on or work on my business until the week hours of the morning.

One unassuming day in late December, I received a message via reunion.com from “T”. When I saw her name, my heart stopped. A rush of emotions and thoughts flooded my head and my heart. Nothing would prepare for what was to come…

 

 

My Date :-)

This past Saturday, my girlfriend took me out on a date.  Yes, a date!  We never have time for ourselves and when we do, it is at most 3 hours, which doesn’t leave much time to really enjoy each others company.  But on Thursday, she sent me a dinner invitation to a Moroccan restaurant in DC. I was so excited!  I was so looking forward to getting outside of a 15 mile radius, spending time alone with her and just relaxing.  Also, I never had Moroccan food before, so I was looking forward to the feast! 

Anywho, she dropped the kiddies off at the sitter and off we went to DC.  As usual, I got lost, DC has never and will never make any sense to me.  The planning was totally illogical.  It’s like you’re on 24st NW and then the next street is Newark Ave., and the next R street and then 31st street. WTF?  Anyway, after getting lost we finally made our way to the restaurant.

We went to Marrakesh Palace in Washington, DC. Loved the decor, loved the service, loved the food.  The first time I’ve ever had cold spinach and it was so good.  The flavors were just right.  Anywho, I can’t remember the names of our main courses but the food was excellent.  I would most certainly go back there again.  My baby had a seafood kabob thingy with couscous and veggies.  She loved it.  It was good (you know I had to taste some).  I had chicken, now to say that sounds bland…but this chicken was anything  but bland.  I don’t know what they did to that chicken, but OMG it was delicious! 

Our car was parked right in front of a crepe place and since my gf never had a crepe before, I encouraged her to get one.  She ordered a blueberry and banana crepe and loved it!  I knew she would like it, I told her I would try to make them at home.  At least, she has had the real thing before she tries mine :-0.   We walked over the Lambda Rising, a gay/lesbian bookstore and made a purchase.  And since our gay/lesbian book section at our local Borders is hiding tucked away in a corner we were happy to see dozens of books shelves with books for us and by us proudly displayed. 

From there we went to Dave and Busters, which is like a grown up version of Chuckee Cheese.  I have always wanted to take her there (sans the kids) but didn’t get the opportunity until Saturday.  We had so much fun! We played games  and we had a really good time.  It was so good to look at her and see her smile and be happy, that warms my heart.  She beat me in basketball twice…but I let her LOL.

On the way back, she was craving some coffee, so we made it to a Barnes and Nobles in Tysons Corner just before they closed.  She got her coffee and some chocolate Cheesecake Factory cheesecake (since it was half off).  We took our time and didn’t leave until they announced the store was closed over the loudspeaker. 

We made it home around midnight well, you can use your imagination for the rest!

I had such a wonderful good time, and with 4 kids and our schedules we rarely have time for ourselves, so moments like this are a breath of fresh air.  YAY! I am still excited and giddy about it like a little girl! LOL.  For our next date, we both agreed to play hooky from work and spend the day together.  I’m looking forward to that.

I Just Love Her…

I called her at 7pm to see where she was…I was mad that she wasn’t home yet.  She was at Wal-mart getting some milk.  What I really wanted to say was I love you and miss you…needed her to be home.

Just a little while ago she made me laugh until my cheeks hurt.  That’s such a wonderful feeling.  I just love her and I am glad she loves me too…

Please don’t divorce…

Now that the majority have trampled over the rights of the minority…once again.  They want to force gays and lesbians who were married to get divorced.  Do people not have anything better to do?  How does two loving people who are married affect someone else?  And please spare me the analogies to two siblings marrying, people marrying animals and polygamy.  Comparing homosexuals to any of these is an insult and shows the level of intellect of the person making the accusation.  But I digress, we sit  arounnd and let women get beat by their husbands.  We encourage women to go back, we insist it can get better and that he can change.  Yet, every other day this woman is beaten to a pulp.  We force people into marriages because families don’t want to be embarrassed by unwed mothers and children born out of wedlock.  We push our daughters to marry the man with the bigger bank account instead of the one with the bigger heart.  We prefer a man on the DL instead of one who doesn’t hide who he really is.  But when people actually love and care about each other, they can’t be married simply because they are both the same sex?

As the fight for the freedom to marry marches on, there are folks out there who want to rip families apart because of what theythink should or shouldn’t be.  And spare me the religious argument. Yes, I am a Christian (see other posts about this).  I can not stomach folks who say being gay is a sin, it’s wrong, etc… and are ready to go to war about it yet, do nothing about the appalling divorce rate.  Being that 10% of the population identifies themselves as gay or lesbian and 50% of the people (straight people) who get married, get divorced I am not sure how going to all out war against gay marriage is an effective use of resources. 

But I saw this photo project on the Courage Campaign website and I just had to share.  It’s easy to make judgements and decisions about nameless, faceless people.  But when you are forced to look into the eyes of a person before you start to belittle them, strip away their rights and otherwise call them 2nd class citizens, people tend to have a change of heart.

Check out the photo show here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/couragecampaign/sets/72157611501972510/show/

To learn more about what’s going on visit:
http://www.couragecampaign.org

Up Late Watching Footloose

Okay, so I am sitting here watching Footloose on HBO.  My sweet baby has been out cold since 9pm (long day for her) and I am sitting around being lazy.  I thought about exercising…I thought really hard (does thinking about working out burn calories?) but I just didn’t have it in me today.  Plus I was sick earlier in the morning, so my energy has been low all day. 

Does anyone remember USA Up All Night?  I used to watch that all the time when I was younger!  I don’t think it comes on any more. LOL.  Goodness, those were the good ‘ole days.  Goodness, I grew up on The Facts of Life, A Different World, Gimmie A Break, Punky Brewster, The Golden Girls and all those great shows.  And what ever happened to the Berenstain Bears cartoon?  Goodness, I love me some Berenstain Bears!  I make sure my son has all their books like I did when I was growing up.

I am also a bit frustrated because I can’t figure out how to add my music playlist to my blog.  WordPress can be so special at times. 

We had some good family time this evening, the kids are all excited since we put some stuff under the tree and into their xmas stockings.  I am so not looking forward to work tomorrow…my boss is back    Anywho, I think I am officially tired now so I am going to go snuggle up under my sweetie and call it a night.

Are You A Lesbian If…

Are you a lesbian if you don’t go down, munch carpet, eat out or whatever you call it?  There are plenty of women who don’t “perform” and identify as lesbians and there are plenty of women (the studs, butches or what have you) who don’t want it done to them.  What are your thoughts?

Was I Wrong?

Earlier today while waiting for my gf’s daughters’ bball game to start, we (meaning my gf and her two girls were sitting outside the gym waiting).  My gf has 3 girls, 5, 3 and 2.  And they are always arguing and fussing about something, always…  Anyway,  the two oldest were fussing over a newspaper, not a newspaper but one of those newspaper like magazines that was left on the table they were sitting at.  All I heard was “gimme”, “no, it’s mine”, “gimmie”, etc… you get the drift here.  The oldest one starts pouting and almost crying.  So I take the paper and said, “can’t none of yall read this anyway, so why you fighting over it?”  Then I asked the 3 year old, “what does this say”…no reponse, I asked the 5 year old the same thing…no response.  I happened to flip open the paper and saw something of interest, so I took the paper and put it in my bag for later reading.  Now, no one has the paper, no fighting, problem solved…so I thought.  Just a few moments after that they open up the gym and we are walking in and my gf says…”don’t ever tell them they can’t read again”.  I was like WTF?  I explained that I wasn’t trying to be mean, I just wanted them to see how silly they were in fighting over something that none of them wanted anyway, they just didn’t want the other to have it.  So, she’s like, just don’t say that again.  I was like damn, okay.  She says if I had of said that to Jalen (my son), I would have been pissed (meaning me).  I responsed, no I wouldn’t have.  It’s not like I said you can’t read, your stupid and dumb.  I didn’t say or mean that at all.  I felt that she was wrong and waay overreacted.  She also said it’s not what I said, but how I said it.  I responded that it wasn’t meant to be mean or anything, and she says “well, they don’t know that”.  I am like WHAT?  I bet you they don’t even remember it!  They had moved on to running in the gym and other things.

Now, a bit of background.  The 5 year old has been struggling with school, her reading, etc…  But she is making progress.  The child never went to head start or pre-school…just right to Kindergarden.  As far as I know no one even ever tried to read with her prior to her going to school…so what do you expect?   So my gf is very sensitive over that and she works with her afterschool on her reading and works with her teacher to make sure she is progressing.  She is getting better, she is in the first grade and things appear to be going good.

Personally,  I feel that it was not what I said…but what she heard that is the problem.  Because she is sensitive about the fact that she is having trouble academically, me saying that was like setting off a time bomb.  But when I said it, I didn’t even think about it or her having reading issues…as I said my whole point was stop fighting over petty stuff…it’s stupid.  In retrospect, I should have just like them go at it and leave it up to their mother to work out. 

Needless to say, I was pissed.  And I did distance myself from her during the game at the gym, simply because I was uh…pissed.  I did film the game, so I didn’t sit next to her the entire time, my son’s team played next, so I stayed at the gym and they left.  She went to go get her hair trimmed and called me from the pizza shop.  I actually was going up there anyway to see if she wanted me to take the girls home while she waited to get her hair done.  But when I went to the shop they said she was at the pizza place.  I walked over there and she said they were going to eat, and I opted not to stay…I wasn’t hungry (thanks to a tall mocha frapp and cookie) and I was a tad bit still pissed.  Plus, I am like, I can’t say shit to her girls without her getting all sensitive about it, so I just figured it was best to leave them be.

What do you think ya’ll, was I wrong here?