Guest Post: What’s a “Real Lesbian”?

Alright, ya’l l are in for a treat. Did I just say ya’ll?   I’ve been in Virginia for too long! Anyhow, I asked and Ms. Glennisha Morgan accepted the invitation to be a guest blogger on my blog. YAY!  I love Glennisha’s candid writing style, so I am happy that she is gracing my blog with her presence!  Glennisha choose the topic and little did I know that it would hit so close to home for me.  Read and comment, but don’t forget to visit Glennisha’s blog at http://glennishamorgan.wordpress.com.
Thank’s Glennisha!

What’s a “Real Lesbian”?

I had a friend of mine’s girlfriend tell me that she didn’t think she was really a lesbian. She stated that she felt this way because my friend was the only woman that she’d been with and that she didn’t have any other lesbian friends. I responded to her by telling her that being a lesbian has nothing to do with experience or how many lesbian friends you have. feel like it’s all about how you feel and whom you’re attracted to. Also, you would never hear a straight person say that they didn’t feel straight because of their lack of experience or straight friends.

I myself have only had 1 girlfriend and that was during high school so it was nothing serious at all. In fact I’ve just recently came out about 90% at the age of 23. As far as the amount of lesbian friends I have, I can count on one hand. Does that make me any less of a lesbian than someone who has per say a ton of lesbian friends ? Or someone who has had many girlfriends? I don’t think so. And what about the lesbians who’ve only had one girlfriend but, for a substantial amount of years? Are they less of a lesbian than those who’ve had many girlfriends? I don’t think so.

The people whose lesbianism I question are the women who occasionally have sex with men but, don’t want to identify as bisexual. What do you think?

Courtesy of Glennisha Morgan
Writer, Editor, Commentator
Website:www.GlennishaTheWriter.com
Blogs: GlennishaMorgan.WordPress.com & .comTheFembassy.www

Do You Believe in Love Part 2

About a week or so ago I posted Do You Believe in Love.  I appreciate all the feedback and comments which I truly take into great consideration.  The next day my gf sent me an email basically saying how she felt inadequate, like she wasn’t pulling her load.  She felt beat up by circumstances and she wants to do so much more for me but can’t.  She basically felt like I didn’t need her, I guess she felt like she added no value to my life (nothing could be further from the truth).  Hence, why she said the things she did.

I was so thankful that she let me in on how she was really feeling.  Now, I understand. Now we are working ont it.  She has a plan and she has been working her booty off and really making strides.  I told her I love her regardless and that her love was all I need and want.  Of course, she still is going to do what she needs to get to get to where she needs to be for her and for us.  I can’t stress enough how glad I am that she opened up to me.

Some may wonder why do I feel the way I do, why I don’t just let go.  Well, I guess it’s because I fell in love with her when I was 16.  The first time I ever saw her, my heart stopped.  My First Lesbian Love Story sums our story up.  I never forgot about her, all these years, and I never forgot.  Always remembered her bday, her laugh, her scent…wondered how she was and where she was.  10 years later, she emails me.  Turns out she searched for me and despite many false starts she finally found me.  Her persistence paid off because after emailing me through multiple sources (reunion.com, myspace, etc…) I responded…it took me 9 months, but I responded.  And when I saw her again, I just knew…and well, the rest is history as they say.  I remember when I was young, my parents had a plaque that read “if you love something, set it free. it if comes back to you, it is yours…if it doesn’t, it never was”.  She came back to me…

So, we are taking it day by day and building our life together.  I am so very happy and very in love and putting all of me into us.  It takes me not being afraid to trust, risking loving and loosing the person I love, placing my heart in her hands hoping she won’t break it.  This means I am not trying to control everything or always have the final say.  We both have our hang ups that we are working on because we both want to make this work.  So I just wanted to give an update on where things stood with us.  It’s hard to really say how I’m feeling, but these two songs gist it very well…

The Nerve of People

So, this weekend, my gf and I had our new bed delivered.  We were in BAD need of a new bed…we wore the other one out, it was dragging (literally). LOL.  Anyway,  there were two delivery guys who brought our new bed and mattresses on Saturday.  After setup one of the guys had me sign something and then wanted to offer me advice on the best place to position the bed, how we should get the matching nightstand, etc…  I felt that he was lingering a bit too long.  And he was. 

After he left, I realized that I had left the “Complete Lesbian Sex” book on my nightstand and since we don’t have a dresser (that won’t be delivered until June ) all of our clothes including our unmentionables were lingering around.   

Thinking back on the things that he was saying, this man thought he was going to get in on the action.  Which makes me wonder why people don’t take lesbian relationships seriously. Even when I told my son’s father, his first response was something about a 3some. I’m sorry, if I was with a man, would that even have left his mouth? 

Even other women don’t take lesbian relationships seriously. Like, do you really think it’s okay to hit on my gf even when she say’s she’s in a relationship?   Did this man really think that he was going to get anywhere with us?  Give me a break!  What give’s? Does anyone else experience this? How do you combat it? 

I can’t help but think that the larger issue is that since our relationships are not recognized or respected by federal law, it gives people free license to disregard us as people in committed relationships.  Plus, with the belief that lesbians do all types of 3somes, 4ways and all this other nonsense, does that contribute to the lack of validity our relationships have in the eyes of others.  I can’t help to think that people think we are just playing… 

I can see this is something that is going to frustrate me and I can feel that I will have to tell quite a few folks off as this comes up. 

For anyone who is unclear I am a lesbian (I like women) , who loves her gf very very much (were in a committed monogamous relationship).  We’re in love. She’s mine and I’m her’s (stop flirting with us)…no 3rd party is needed, wanted or required (there is nothing to read between the lines here)!

My First Lesbian Love Part 4

I was inspired by Alix to pick up where this story left off. This is sometimes a joy and equally difficult to write, hence, why I have been working on this for months. But nonetheless, here goes part 4…

Part 4 only makes since after readying parts 1, 2 and 3.  This one is kinda long, get comfy

So there I was making the long trip from State College, Pa to Lexington, KY to visit the woman who I loved and lost. The one who broke my heart into a million small pieces. But she contacted me and something compelled me to just hop on the bus to see her. I actually had just bought tickets to a PSU vs somebody (I can’t remember who) football game. It would have been my first Penn State football game…I mean you can’t attend Penn State without going to a football game! Lol

I can’t even remember how long it took to get there, all I remember was my heart beating madly out of control. Several times, I had to pick it up and put it back in my chest because my heart was beating so hard, so fast. Gosh, maybe I shouldn’t go I thought…but it was too late. I was already on my way there. Would she still like me? I’m a little thicker than when she saw me last (actually, I was in the best shape of my life and curves had grew all in the right places)? What does she look like? My mind was moving a million miles a minute…faster than the bus. The trip is a blur, I can’t remember if it took 10, 11 or 12 hours to get there, all I remember was the bus stopping…Lexington, KY. It was time to get off and face the woman whom I loved dearly and broke my heart into two.

There she stood, there I stood. Where I had a million thoughts suddenly, I had none. I was happy to see her, she was happy to see me too! Her friend and teammate drove her to pick me up from the bus station. We hugged and got in the jeep and drove back to campus.

I stayed in her dorm, her roomie was away for the weekend. I know we went to see The Blair Witch Project that weekend and ate lots of KFC.

Somehow, we winded up kissing. I remember her telling me that I didn’t know how fine I was. She remembers things about that day that I don’t even recall. I remember making love to her, it was like we had never been apart. It was beautiful, wonderful and just so so right. She still had basketball practice, so I used the time she was away to study. I remember her coming back from basketball practice glistening in sweat. The sweat on her arms highlighted her muscular arms. I remember looking at all six-foot two inches of her in awe, I have never been so attracted to and so in love with anyone as I was with her.

We spent a lot of time together, talking, laughing, catching up on old times and making love. It was a wonderful weekend. But then I noticed that she began to pull away from me. Something changed. I didn’t know what it was or how to respond. I remember when I was there her girlfriend called (she was dating or somewhat dating this girl we both went to school with, this girl who she was with during her senior of HS. So, I thought that she had broke up with me for this girl. So I didn’t care and had no qualms about being with her…I guess it was my own form of revenge) and I begin to feel bad about even the possibility of being #2. Hell, I am #1…always was and always will be! But I digress…

So, as all good things go, our weekend came to an end. Sometime between that weekend and some days later I got an email from T. Basically saying how her gf was her “angel” blah blah blah. Long story short, we could be friends but nothing more. I got burned again! This time, I guess because I had my guard up, it took me maybe a few weeks to get over it. I believe she called me after that email, I can’t recall if I didn’t answer or if we spoke. Either way, that was the end of us.

Life went on. I experimented with other girls, but never went all the way. Never had I any real feelings for any girl or guy. I never identified as gay, I just thought I was a straight girl who had an experience. There wasn’t a week that went by that I didn’t think of T. There wasn’t a year that went by that I didn’t remember her birthday. I remember being so angry with myself for remembering those things and even thinking about her. Every so often, I would Google her name. She played ball so it was easy to find information on her, she was doing well. I used think “does she think of me, does she even remember me”. I thought of her as probably some type of player, someone who had loads of girlfriends. But more so I thought that our relationship meant nothing to her and that she never really loved me.

I just let that part of me go. I wasn’t really attracted to any other women, except for a few I would see on TV. Everyone I was around was straight, so it was just easier to just go on and date guys. But funny thing, I never really dated many guys either…I wasn’t attracted to very many guys. In my senior year of college, I got pregnant with my son. I finished school and was ready to marry my son’s father. I thought I loved him, but I knew I didn’t love him that much. I convinced myself that I would grow to love him. After all, isn’t marrying him the right thing to do? I mean, I graduated from college, I had started my career, I already had a child. I was just missing the marriage piece, right? I mean, I reasoned that I had to check off that box. There I was ready to marry someone who was not only not for me, but someone who I didn’t love. Moreover, this someone was emotionally, mentally and sometimes even physically abusive to me.

I saw love as something that everyone could/should/would have but me. I just wanted to focus on my career. I didn’t strive to find someone who would treat me right because of loosing my only love not once but twice and because I just thought it was too hard. I just felt that you could love someone with everything and they can still leave you. I didn’t want to endure another broken heart.

One day I looked in the mirror and I did not recognize the person staring back at me. I remember after a particurlary bad argument with my son’s father one morning while I was driving I looked down at my hand on the steering wheel and it was shaking. It was then that I decided to take my life back, I realized that I couldn’t put myself or my son through a life with a “man” who was just horrible to me. I didn’t want my son to see that. I didn’t want him to think that was normal or OK.

During this time, my mom had passed away. It was a difficult time for me. Still, I thought about T. Sometimes, I wondered if she knew what I was going through if she would come console me. I remember her and despite everything, she was always there for me. I remember her putting me and what I wanted/needed even before her own wants and needs. I remember spending that time surrounded by people but alone. It was around this time I started going back to church.

I told my son’s dad that I was moving out. He told me I couldn’t do it, I didn’t make enough money to live on my own. He constantly sought to discourage me and to make me doubt myself and my abilities. What he didn’t know was that my desire to succeed and to have a better life was greater than his need to control and his insecurities. He told me that if I moved out, that would be the end of us…and that was fine by me.

Still, I never forgot T. Every now and again, I would wonder where she was and how she was. I would also remember still being angry with what she did to me. Still upset that I never forgot her and tried as hard as I could to stop loving her. I hated that I still loved her. Not that I admit it to myself that I did, but deep down I did. So, I was on my own. I had my share of struggles, but I fought back. My income increased until I was good quite well. Soon, I bought my own home and had a pretty good side business. I spent a lot of time in church, on this group or on that group. Still, something was missing, I didn’t know what it was. And if I felt it, I would just pray, go to church or bible study or whatever was going on or work on my business until the week hours of the morning.

One unassuming day in late December, I received a message via reunion.com from “T”. When I saw her name, my heart stopped. A rush of emotions and thoughts flooded my head and my heart. Nothing would prepare for what was to come…

 

 

My Date :-)

This past Saturday, my girlfriend took me out on a date.  Yes, a date!  We never have time for ourselves and when we do, it is at most 3 hours, which doesn’t leave much time to really enjoy each others company.  But on Thursday, she sent me a dinner invitation to a Moroccan restaurant in DC. I was so excited!  I was so looking forward to getting outside of a 15 mile radius, spending time alone with her and just relaxing.  Also, I never had Moroccan food before, so I was looking forward to the feast! 

Anywho, she dropped the kiddies off at the sitter and off we went to DC.  As usual, I got lost, DC has never and will never make any sense to me.  The planning was totally illogical.  It’s like you’re on 24st NW and then the next street is Newark Ave., and the next R street and then 31st street. WTF?  Anyway, after getting lost we finally made our way to the restaurant.

We went to Marrakesh Palace in Washington, DC. Loved the decor, loved the service, loved the food.  The first time I’ve ever had cold spinach and it was so good.  The flavors were just right.  Anywho, I can’t remember the names of our main courses but the food was excellent.  I would most certainly go back there again.  My baby had a seafood kabob thingy with couscous and veggies.  She loved it.  It was good (you know I had to taste some).  I had chicken, now to say that sounds bland…but this chicken was anything  but bland.  I don’t know what they did to that chicken, but OMG it was delicious! 

Our car was parked right in front of a crepe place and since my gf never had a crepe before, I encouraged her to get one.  She ordered a blueberry and banana crepe and loved it!  I knew she would like it, I told her I would try to make them at home.  At least, she has had the real thing before she tries mine :-0.   We walked over the Lambda Rising, a gay/lesbian bookstore and made a purchase.  And since our gay/lesbian book section at our local Borders is hiding tucked away in a corner we were happy to see dozens of books shelves with books for us and by us proudly displayed. 

From there we went to Dave and Busters, which is like a grown up version of Chuckee Cheese.  I have always wanted to take her there (sans the kids) but didn’t get the opportunity until Saturday.  We had so much fun! We played games  and we had a really good time.  It was so good to look at her and see her smile and be happy, that warms my heart.  She beat me in basketball twice…but I let her LOL.

On the way back, she was craving some coffee, so we made it to a Barnes and Nobles in Tysons Corner just before they closed.  She got her coffee and some chocolate Cheesecake Factory cheesecake (since it was half off).  We took our time and didn’t leave until they announced the store was closed over the loudspeaker. 

We made it home around midnight well, you can use your imagination for the rest!

I had such a wonderful good time, and with 4 kids and our schedules we rarely have time for ourselves, so moments like this are a breath of fresh air.  YAY! I am still excited and giddy about it like a little girl! LOL.  For our next date, we both agreed to play hooky from work and spend the day together.  I’m looking forward to that.

Friday Femme Flick: Saving Face

With the L-word leaving us forever in just under a month, there is a need not only to replace the L-word (whatever will I do on Sunday’s at 9??) but to seek out more diversity in lesbian films.  So,  each Friday I will post a movie/series/documentary/whatever I find thats good as the “Friday Femme Flick” (I like the use of the triple F. lol). 

I know, I’ve blogged about this movie before, but I really love it and I don’t think it got the respect and recognition it deserves, so once again, I highly recommend Saving Face.  This is a movie about a Chinese-American doctor who lives with her mom.  She comes out to her mom around the same time as her 40+ mom finds herself as a single mother (again).    This is a funny movie, but it made me realize a lot about how we can sometimes judge people too harshly just for being human.  It also is a story about the courage to love despite what people might think or say.

Anywho, please check this film out if you haven’t seen it.  It is REALLY very very good.  Everytime it comes on LOGO, I watch it like I’ve never seen it before!  It also takes place in Flushing, NY (I lived there for about a year), but spent most my life in Hollis. QUEENS, STAND UP!! LOL

Here’s the movie summary:
When 48-year-old widow Hwei-Lan Gao (Joan Chen) informs her less-than understanding father she’s pregnant, he banishes her from Flushing until she remarries or proves Immaculate Conception. With nowhere else to go, Hwei-Lan moves in with her grown daughter, Wil (Michelle Krusiec), a Manhattan doctor who doesn’t want a roommate, especially since she’s met Viv (Lynn Chen), her sexy young lover. So Wil does what any dutiful child with an expectant, unmarried mother on her hands would do: she proceeds to set Hwei-Lan up with every eligible bachelor in town.

To learn more or to purchase click here to check out my store.

Happy Friday

The L Word Latest Episode Review

Well, it’s about damn time!   The L word came correct this week and this show was off the hook!

Gosh, usually write a review when the show is fresh on my mind, and it being a few days out…I am not recalling everything despite the fact that, it was hot like fire!

I have to say, I am kind of relating to Helena.  You know still being in love with the person who burned you.  That’s a torn feeling.  I love that little game they played with trying to see where Dylan’s motives really are by having whats her face oh, Nicki come on to Dylan.  That was fun.

I could kill Jenny!  She is such a sick, twisted little biatch.  She stole Alice’s idea and wants to act like it’s nothing. What the hell is her problem?  I could have just slapped her.  Jenny always wants to act innocent like she is always the victim and everyone does wrong to her and she is such a complete bullshitter.

Can you believe that saved by the bell chick?  She had the nerve to ask Tina if she minded that she flirst shamelessly with Bette. WTF?  That old rag!  Tina should have told her where to go, politely of course.  She is bad news, very bad news.  I am also glad Tina told those people off, her bosses or whatever…I couldn’t stand their snivelling asses.

What happened to Max this episode?

Alice Tasha and Jamie…what in the heck is up with that?

I guess Kit is just along for the ride this season, nothing seems to be going on with her…

But this was a really good espisode…I can’t wait until next week!

I Just Love Her…

I called her at 7pm to see where she was…I was mad that she wasn’t home yet.  She was at Wal-mart getting some milk.  What I really wanted to say was I love you and miss you…needed her to be home.

Just a little while ago she made me laugh until my cheeks hurt.  That’s such a wonderful feeling.  I just love her and I am glad she loves me too…

Oh Wait, No It’s Not…

(I wrote a post yesterday and either wordpress or my computer screwed up….so all i am left with is the title)

OK, so I was headed out the door…she stopped me…we talked, she’s staying.  That’s a long story short.  Women can be so volatile sometimes…is this a lesbian thing.

I am short on time…but more to come!

For Nesha…

Just so you know,
my heart is with you always. I am always thinking about you, our life together and our bright future.

You make me a better woman. Because of you I know what it is like to love and to be loved.

There is no one who can ever replace you and there is no one I want or need besides you. Waking up with you each morning makes even the gloomiest day bright and going to bed with you at night makes for sweet dreams.

My love for you needs no justification or approval. I don’t need a ring to commit my life to you or an elaborate ceremony. My love for you and my commitment to you lives in my heart.

Since I was 15 years old, until now I have loved you. And I will always love you. There is no one who can come between us and I know our love will grow stronger each passing year. When it’s all said and done I want you to be the last person I see before I fade into eternity.

I love you very very very much…