My First Lesbian Love Part 2

Visit My First Lesbian Love Part 1 before reading

It was the summer of 06, I was 16 and heading into my senior year of H.S.  She and I were still hanging out when we could and chatting it up on the phone.  My strong attraction to her finally came it’s boiling point that year.  After a year of denial and repressed feelings I finally admitted to myself that I liked her as more than a friend.  I wasn’t sure how she felt about me.  I mean I knew that she liked me and we were good friends, but I couldn’t tell if she liked me in the way that I liked her.  But that soon changed one day.

After a series of conversations with her where we both begin to indicate that we could be “that way” and that we had an interest in one another, we decided that we would met at my house to well…explore our interests further.  I can’t remember much time lapsed between our conversation and our meeting that changed my life.

All I can remember from that day is that it was bright and sunny.  She came over to my apartment, my mother was at work that day, so we were alone.  I wish I could remember a play-by-play but I can’t.  All I know is something beautiful happened that day and we fell asleep holding each other, her head on my chest.

Soon, school started back.  I did not rejoin the basketball team in my senior year.  And while we didn’t see each other as much as we could have if I had of played, we still spent every moment we could together.  Our morning meetings before school, where we go grab breakfast before catching the bus.   The sleepovers at her house, when while everyone was asleep, we made love.  It was a whirlwind, we were young and in love and happy and blissfully loving life.

We hung out in the Village, where we felt at ease to hold hands and sneek each other a peck on the cheek.  We talked on the phone until late night.  I loved her with everything I had.  I knew that she was the one for me.  I let my guard down in order to let her in.  And she loved me and treated me so special.   She was my best friend and my lover.  If she needed anything, I was there.  If I needed anything she was there for me.

I didn’t care who knew about us, we would hold hands or lock arms crossing the street at Guy R Brewer and Jamaica Avenue on our way to catch the 111 to school.  I would rest of my head on her shoulder while we stood and waited.  I remember doing that one time and there were 3 guys standing there.  I put my head on her shoulder and I heard from a voice behind me “she’s too pretty to be a bull dyke!” and conversation started among the men.  All I could hear was the chattering of unapproval.  Shame on them if they thought I actually cared what they thought.  Undeterred, I left my head where it was, where it belonged.

I never really considered myself to be gay, but here was this person, who I loved and she just happened to be a girl.  I never thought or felt like it was strange or unnatural and just loved her and loving her came as natural to me as breathing.  I wasn’t attracted really to any other girls or anyone at all for that matter, but I just loved her…and she loved me back.

One day, while were sitting in her aunt’s living room, her aunt blurts out “ya’ll two are gay aren’t you”.  We were so startled by that, we stuttered and stumbled all over our words.  To this day I can’t even remember what we said. LOL.   She was sweet, kind, caring, calm and considerate.  She was a great friend and a wonderful lover.  I can’t remember when exactly we fell in love, it would be all but impossible for me to pinpoint a day or time…but when it happened, it happened.  And it was all in the air and every where we went, you would have to be blind not to know we were together.   I thought that she would never break my heart until one day, she did.

Bittersweet Election Victory

Last night’s historical election of Barack Obama will forever be a bittersweet memory for me. As a black woman, who is not old enough to have lived through the civil rights movement or segregation, but who is old enough to realize that racism is alive and well; I know that America’s election of the first African-American as President will forever change this country’s landscape. I know that the election of a man with a “funny sounding” non-traditional American name is remarkable. The election of a man whose father was Kenyan, whose mother was an unwed, young and white, woman pregnant by an African man; lets me know that people can get past their bias, prejudice and unfounded convictions for the greater good.

Barack is a man who made whites and blacks alike stare their prejudices in the face. We had a choice on Tuesday. We could have chosen to continue to walk along the line that divided us all, for each of us, what that line represented was uniquely different. One persons line may have been a lot wider than another’s; do we dare face ourselves and make that leap over these self-imposed lines or stick to the tired, old thoughts and ways that have kept us apart in the past? Baracks win last night is not only a win for all of America but for all of the world. He won for those of us who are different, those of us who some consider less-than seasoned and lacking the proper amount of gray, he won for those of us who were counted out and told that we could not succeed, that we weren’t light enough or smart enough, pretty enough or had enough money. He won for the son’s and daughters of unwed moms and dads, he won for the unwed moms and dads. He won for my son and other young black men who may have seen the only route for black men to be successful is either on the basketball court or in music videos. Barack won for each and everyone of us who was told that would weren’t good enough or weren’t qualified to do that which we wanted to accomplish. Barack has inspired a new generation and breathed a breathe of fresh air into those who once thought that all was lost. Yes, America, we can!

Despite this, despite all the hope and inspiration that a Barack win brings, I am left wondering about the state of our country. A place where we can shed innocent young blood over oil, a place where we can ignore the ethnic cleansing in African countries and the cry of the poor from our own city streets. I sit here today looking for a reason why I can be denied the right to love by the same people who have made history in electing a black man as President. I am staring at the news of a successful measure in both Florida and Arizona that has banned the marriage of consenting adults who want to pledge their eternal love and devotion to one another.

Half of me is elated…the other half divided.

I am black.
I am a woman.
I am a lesbian.

And in the eyes of those in this country who has just made history, I am not entitled to the same rights as others, because of my sexual orientation.

This win is bittersweet…as I know we have a long way to go. So what do I do? Can I be any less of a lesbian than I am a woman or black? Contrary to what some may think, I didn’t choose to be a lesbian. I can deny my love for my partner as much as I can deny my gender or the color of my skin.

Will we ever see the election of a lesbian to the highest office of the land?

Not that I can see…as long as we are thought of as second class citizens who are not worthy of the rights enjoyed by straight men and women.

This country believes that it is O.K. to deny a human being their basic rights due to their gender, color or their skin or sexuality.

I know some people hate it when gays compare their fight to that of blacks in America. I know, I know…

What I don’t know is how we can stand the hatred and dehumization of anyone. No, I don’t have a big L for lesbian on my forehead. You will know that I am a black woman when you see me and my sexual orientation is not something you can tell by my appearance. If you can like me when you think I am straight and can hate me when you know otherwise, when I can legally lose my job for being a gay woman and my partner in love and life is denied benefits because of her sex, when my car is keyed and the windows of my home are busted because I am different…then that is prejudice too and it is no greater or no less of a prejudice than any other group. Hate is hate.

America reminds steadfast in her resolve to deny my rights.

In this great country, I remain separate and unequal.

But my fight continues, as I remember that women were not welcome at the voting booths, but they showed up anyway until America had no choice but to legally extend the right to vote to a group that should have never been denied in the first place.

I know that blacks weren’t even counted as a whole person, until they stood up and America had no choice to count them because they wouldn’t sit down until they were. The men and women who knew that the “whites only” and “colored” signs were cruel and just wrong; reminds me that what people think is right, isn’t always right. People who weren’t afraid to lay down their lives so that those who come after them will never have to experience a life of hatred that they endured, inspire me to keep my head up.

Barack’s win is a reminder that while we have come far, the fight for me and for others is far from over. We keep on.

I have to stand on the belief that just because the law denies me my rights today, doesn’t mean that I won’t win tomorrow. What today seems like an outrageous notion, will be a given tomorrow. As long as I keep standing for what I know is right and just and true my voice will not be silenced and I will not be deterred.

Not by people who hate just for the sake of hating;
Not by people who believe the crazy notion that there is some “gay agenda” of “spreading” homosexuality to young children;
Not by people who believe that I am going to hell for loving who I love; as I know that some people who sit in church faithfully have no idea who God is;
And not by anyone who believe they can regulate my life and who I love.

So I thank Barack Obama for leading this historic rise as the first black man to lead the free world. I am grateful to others we came before him who refused to be moved, they refused to sit “over there” or “back there”, they refused to believe that they were somehow less of a person because of the arbitrary class system imposed by imperfect people.

I know that people once thought the world was flat until someone was brave enough to sail the deep blue sea in order to prove to the world it was round. So let’s just continue to go and fight and continue to move America to a truly free country where everyone has the same rights as everyone else. So yes, today is bittersweet, but this is just the beginning of a brighter future. Yes we can, yes we have and yes we will!

My First Lesbian Love Part 1

I was 15.

I was a HS sophomore, it was the first day of school… and there she was scanning her id in the scanner. See, in NYC HS students simply just can’t walk in…we have scanners to verify we belong there and even metal detectors. But I digress. When I saw her standing there, my heart skipped a beat. There was something different, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it (in HS, I was too much self absorbed to notice anyone, so the fact that I stopped and noticed her is very telling in the first place). A few weeks later, she joined the basketball team, which I was a member, we had a rocky start but eventually became good friends.

Pretty soon, we started hanging out together and I really enjoyed her company. She had some ups and downs in her life during her freshman year, and I was always concerned and found myself thinking about her constantly. She was 14 dating a 19 year old and while our fellow peers thought that that was cool, I could see he was just out for himself and told her she shouldn’t mess with him…she wound up pregnant…she ran away from home. I only wanted the best for her, she had so much talent and was going places.  I did not want to see anything hinder her from reaching her full potential.  I always told her what I thought about things, regardless if she wanted to hear it or not.  I just wanted the best for her.   I could remember always being happy to see her on Monday after what seemed to be like a long weekend. We would see each other in basketball practice on Saturday’s and pretty soon we started hanging out after practice on the weekends and after school. I still knew there was something different about how I felt about her, but ignored it. I guess I just thought I really liked her as a friend.

Then one day something changed.

We were on our way home after practice one day. Our coach was driving, I was sitting in the front seat, she was sitting in the middle. We were listening to a Lost Boys song and I turned around and watched her repeat the words and dance in her seat…and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I turned around with a swiftness, and all I could then was “oh shit, I like her…I like her like that!”

It took me a full year to come to terms with what my subconscious already knew.

I felt wonderful, curious, scared and vulnerable all at the same time. I knew she liked me as a friend, but did she like me like that?

The next year, we hung out all the time. During away games, when we had to spend the night at a hotel, I always made it a point to ensure we were in the same room and sleeping in the same bed. Just being close to her was a thrill for me and it felt so good to wake up next to her in the morning.

I adored her, she quickly rose to being an all-city basketball player winning awards and all types of great things.  Her chocolate smooth skin, her long lean body, muscles in the right places, her full beautiful lips, her smile just made me crazy inside.  What I didn’t know at the time was that I was in love, head over heels in love.

She was so sweet, very smart, funny, easy-going and just fun to be around.  She was always a good friend to me.  Understanding, caring and forgiving.

Between my junior and senior year of HS.  I got a internship at a Law Firm in SoHo.   SoHo is located in Greenwich Village, Manhattan.  The village is a hot spot for everyone, especially the GLBT community.  Growing up and spending the majority of my time in Queens with occasional trips to Manhattan, I wasn’t exposed to any “alternative lifestyles”.  But in the Village, there was everyone straight, gay, transgender and even a few I couldn’t quite figure out. LOL.  And I loved it!

One day on my lunch break, I walked past the bookstore on the corner, and there among other titles was a book on lesbian erotica.  As much as I hate to tell on myself, in order for this story to flow I must reveal that in junior high I had a brief fascination with lesbian porn.  My brother had a porn collection that collector would envy.  Being a latchkey kid, I was usually home a good 2-3 hours before anyone in the family.  Being the youngest, I would go through everyones stuff, to see what interesting things I could find.  I know, I know, I was bad…but I was 12!  So one day I found the porn and popped in into the VHS (yes, it was a tape…remember those?).  I remember watching the porn and become fixated on the few lesbian scenes there were, after a while thats all I would watch.  I just loved watching two women get it on. LOL.  Overtime, I got tired of it and found something else to do with my time after school. So when I saw the book and remembered how i loved the sight of two women together, I knew what I wanted to do.  I knew that I wanted her.  I had her friendship, but I wanted more.

During my internship, I wasn’t playing basketball so we didn’t see as much of each other as we normally did.  We still spoke almost daily on the phone and hung out when I wasn’t working and when she didn’t have a game.  And then, one day we had THE conversation that would change my life forever…