I haven’t been blogging too much lately. I am quite busy with other stuff, but I love this blog and those who comment frequently! I’ve been blogging on my other blog quite a bit, feel free to check it out! Walks In The Sand www.walksinthesand.wordpress.com.
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“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”-Theodore Roosevelt
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Outward behavior is the expression of an inward condition. If you don’t like the outcome, check the intake.
Enough said!
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On Thursday, I will officially be 30 years old. 30. 30. The big 3-0. There is a certain amount of comfort in being in your twenties, I mean by all purposes you’re still young. Well, except to 12 year olds who think anyone over 18 is old. But being “in your thirties” is an entirely different ball game. It’s like, there’s no turning back. 30 means so much and so little at the same time. It’s like, I’m fighting it, but what’s the point? It’s totally and utterly inevitable. I feel like it was just yesterday I was 17 and now, I’m turning 30.
So, you know I could write a post about 30 things that I wanted to accomplish but didnt’ by the age of 30. But with age comes wisdom. Wisdom enough to know that life is what I create. And instead of dwelling on things that are already done and can’t be changed, I will instead speak of things that are to come…and things that I have done to my pleasing.
I realize that the things I wanted to accomplish by the age of 30 is more about the journey, the knowledge, the experience and wisdom that I attain as I go forward in my journey than the actual goal itself. I mean, how many people have hit the lotto or come into sudden money and then were bankrupt as quickly as they got the money? The reason for this is they have no idea as to how to manage their windfall, the knowledge and experience is missing therefore they can not enjoy their gains for long.
I feel as though a lot of my life as been about preparing, learning and growing. I feel as though I have faced a lot of challenges that were given to me not to make me bitter or angry or resentful but to make me a better person.
I’ve done a lot of things, some worked out, others not so much. I’ve gained and lost, I’ve taken risks that worked out and some that didnt’. I have lost a good 20 maybe even 30K in business, and a million times that in precious relationships. But I’ve learned there is no use crying over spilled milk, I have to learn my lesson and keep moving on.
So, here is me at 30 on life, love and the pursuit of all things good…
On Money…
I’ve learned that money is simply a tool to get me from point A to point B. I’ve learned that money is not my enemy nor is seeking money the “root of all evil”. It is the love of money that is the root of all evil. Contrary to what I have been taught in church or by family, seeking to be rich and financially independent does not make me selfish and does not mean I don’t care about people. The goals to be financially independent and have beautiful relationships are not mutually exclusive. I’ve learned that there is not a finite amount of money to go around, but it is infinite. What separates those who have money and those who don’t is the desire to seek understanding, the ability to delay gratification and to take calculated risks. I’ve learned that I would rather drive a paid-for hooptie than the newest top of the line whatever in order to enjoy the freedom that comes with having a car without owing the bank. I’ve learned that while I don’t regret purchasing a home, I realize that you don’t have to own something to enjoy it. I’ve learned the power of leverage, the power of passive income and how amazingly smart it is to always have multiple streams of income. I’ve learned that there is never a lack of money (or other resources) only a lack of creativity.
On Relationships…
My mom passed in 2002, I was 22. My son had just turned one. Death is a bitch. It’s so very final and it’s just a done deal. There is nothing you or anyone can do to “undo” death. I learned that people come and they go…whether it be to death, a break-up or just life. I’ve learned that right now is all I have to say “i love you”, “you’re beautiful”, “you’re smart and talented”. Today could be the last day to smile at someone or to hug them or kiss them. There is no going back, so today is the only day I have promised to put 150% of me into my relationships. People who have hurt me, I am learning to forgive and let go. Because you know what, hurt people, hurt people. And I can’t spend my time holding hurt feelings against anyone. I have learned that I have to love with everything I’ve got, because even if everything hits the fan…I know that I gave everything I had. I don’t want any “if I did this or that” I want to do what it is in my heart to do right now…I have to, there’s no other way to live.
My dad didn’t do everything he could have done for me and frankly, he was more concerned with him keeping up his lavish lifestyle than my own well-being. Was it right? No… But that’s what he chose to do. I can’t change it, I can’t even make him see his ways. But I can forgive. I can take that lesson and be the best mom to my son that I can be. I resolved that if my son works for want he wants, then every opportunity shall be afforded to him. The hard lesson I learned from my dad, will ensure that my son never has to endure what I did.
I miss my mom more than words will ever describe. But I have my grandma, my sister and my brothers. I have learned that I have to be in the moment, because I can’t get it back. So I have resolved to call more, email more and visit more. I can’t send my mom flowers…but I can send flowers to my grandma and my sister. No special occasion necessary.
On Careers…
I did exactly what I set out to do in my career (well, almost) and you know what, I can’t stand it! LOL. I’ve figured out that at my core I am an entrepreneur…and working as an employee will never be me. You just can’t fit a round peg into a square hole no matter how hard you try. I realize that jobs come and go, nothing is ever promised. There is no security in a job and likewise, my employers owe me nothing than to pay me for the hours I have worked.
I’ve learned that corporate america is a sham… For the life of me, I’ve never understood why people are sooo against network marketing, you know, Mary Kay, Avon, Tupperware, etc… I’ve heard people say its nothing but a pyramid scheme. I want to laugh so hard, but I hold back and simply say that corporate america is the biggest pyramid scheme there is. I can sit here at my j-o-b and work my ass off…do I get any extra pay? Nope. Do I even get a “good job”? Probably Not. What do I get? More work! LOL. But at least if you are in network marketing or own your own business you get paid in proportion to the effort you put in. If you earn it, its yours…not some big wig at the top reaping the benefits of your hard work. No one, I don’t care how much you make ever gets paid what they are worth as long as you are working for someone else (except for pro athletes, big time CEO’s, etc…). I’m a consultant, I make just a bit over $50/hour, some people may think thats a lot. But when you put things into perspective and realize that my company bills out over $200/hr for me…then you can see what I mean.
In a word, corporate america can kiss my tooshy. It really is a rat race, and you know what even if you win the rat race…you’re still just a rat. My contract at my job is up at the end of the month, I’ve tried looking for other jobs and even turned down some that would have increased my salary a lot…but it’s just not in me to do. That is not who I am and not what I was put on this earth to do. Call me crazy, I don’t care. Life is too short to be doing something that isn’t your passion…if your heart isn’t in it (or halfway in it) don’t do it. Every time I applied for a job I felt a tight feeling in my gut…meaning, don’t do it…it’s not for you. So I have stopped applying for jobs. I have a Top Secret US clearance that folks think I am crazy for possibly letting lapse…and I don’t really care. It was a tool to get me here, now I have some place else to go. Certain things and people are no longer required. Life is too short to live beneath your potential…so don’t!
On Life…
This is it! We get one life. That’s it. Things usually don’t go as planned, people screw you over, things happen and Murphy’s Law is always in effect…but love every moment of it anyway! Love your highest high and try your best to be content in your lowest low. Everything is an experience to make us better. Growing hurts…becoming the person you are intended to be isn’t always a pleasant process. Sometimes we see successful people and don’t always realize what they went through to get to where they are. It’s amazing how much we can overcome and how much we can accomplish if we just keep on keeping on.
Life is what I make of it. I am free to make this life as beautiful or as miserable as I choose to be. So everyday I have to get up and make the best out of whatever I am facing. I have times that my character is tested, and I fail. But life gives you second chances to prove yourself…sometimes we go through things to show ourselves who we really are. You don’t know how strong you are until you’ve stood firmly in a storm. Gold is refined by fire, likewise we only become who we really are when face our own challenges. Life is to be lived. My goal is to travel the world, to me, that is living. I am alive when I visit new places, adventure is an undeniable part of me. So every month starting this month I am going someplace new. It could be around the corner or 2000 miles away.
All I know is that when it’s all over, I don’t want any regrets… I want to leave a legacy and I want to have been able to change the people I have come across in my life for the better…maybe it was something I said to them or maybe even just a smile…I don’t know, but I want the world to be a better place because I was here.
On Love…
I am love, I expect love. I give love openly and freely. I am loved and I love. Love is untainted and beautiful. Love doesn’t judge, it isn’t jealous. I live for love… And that’s all I have to say about that!
As you become more clear about who you really are, you’ll be better able to decide what is best for you.” Oprah Winfrey
Everyone won’t like me. Everyone doesn’t have my best interest at heart. This I know. But I also know is that everyday we encounter angels. It could be that person who made you smile when you wanted to go postal on someone, it could be something you say on TV or heard on the radio that helped you finish that book or just get your mojo back. Each day is the opportunity to begin again. My goal is to have a healthy mind, body and spirit. Without alignment between these key aspects of me then everything will be out of wack.
As if this post wasn’t long enough, here is my list of 30 things I will do at 30. All, in the pursuit of excellence…excellence is not an act, but a habit.
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Tagged: birthday, getting older, turning 30
A few summer’s ago, I went to my first swingers party.
Now, a few months prior I started to feel increasingly aware of my sexuality. Now at this time, I was not involved with my gf or any girl for that matter. For years, I was living as a straight woman and I thought that I was. I mean, I dated men, slept with men. It didn’t really dawn on my that the reason I didn’t like it was because I didn’t really like men. I just thought that either I hadn’t found the right man or that it was the way it was supposed to be.
I think I hit a point where I was just so frustrated with the lack of quality of love and sex. I mean, I couldn’t have an orgasm, and I just couldn’t get any satisfaction. I mean just in general being in the company of guy was just a blah experience. No sparks, no chemistry, I might as well have been watching paint dry. And I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about everything. So I guess my frustration went to new levels as I became determined to find “it”. You know that thing everyone talks about that is so magical and special in relationships. The thing that I haven’t had in so long, since I’d been with well, another woman…
I found a guy who had an energizer battery, I mean this man could go one and on and on. I had to fake an orgasm to get him to stop…and even then he kept going. WTF? Again, I went through the motions with no real feelings…I appreciated his effort and he was nice enough but nothing did it for me. All I wound up with was a sore coochie. Then there was another guy who I swear perfomed oral sex on me for hours…no fireworks. He even suggested that there was something wrong with me. LOL.
So now I’m super frustrated. I’m thinking I have a sexual disorder or something, ready to go to the doctor and everything. Then I happened across a swingers party happening in my neck of the woods. I must admit I was as disguisted as I was intrigued. Then I figured that it was just a matter of numbers…one place…a whole bunch of people…aha! I was frustrated, horny and two steps away from becoming asexual. These folks had a system, an entire network. I joined their network, and got plenty of requests from lots of horny ass men…I had my fair share of pics of dicks and more dicks. But of course, I really wasn’t interested in that, now was I?
I mustered up enough nerve and actually went to a party… I was nervous and excited at the same time. I got lost trying to get there, which resulted in me being two hours late, but I did make it, and was almost about to turn around and leave once I pulled up. But, I got out my car and went in. I was greeted and paid my $5 or whatever and the host showed me around the house. The house was full of rooms, some decorated, some not, all dark. Rooms in which people could use to get their freak on. He showed me the bathroom stocked with condoms, towels and other things folks could use to clean themselves up. There was a porn playing on a huge screen and plenty of liquor and snacks. Most folks where sitting around half-naked chatting and smoking. We walked in a room where people were in full swing and the host was like oh, look as he gestured at two folks getting it in…lol…and i just couldn’t bring myself to watch it.
When I came in I had a choice of 3 different color bracelets. One color meant you were “playing”, the other mean’t “don’t ask me, I will ask you” and the 3rd meant you were just there observing and totally not “playing”. I took the 2nd one. So I made my way to the lounge area and just sat there, talked with some folks. I must admit, the people were really nice. I walked around some more and there was lots of action going on. I began to feel very uneasy, because I knew that wasn’t me. I was curious…I came, I saw and I didn’t conquer. LOL. I watched as women led men around with their dicks hanging out. Yowser! Then of course, as I had the “don’t ask me, I will ask you” bracelet on, I had plenty of men just hanging around me, looking. And it took me a minute to figure out why. LOL. I had one lady comment on how beautiful my eyes were…”thanks” was my response and “keep it going” i wanted to add. (Ewww….who would want someone who had just slept with several men in one night, not I!)
One guy was more than bold, he sat next to me and talked and talked and talked and talked some more. That’s when I decided it was time to go. I gave him my email address (not a fake one either) and in the weeks to come he proceeded to send me long emails and poems about me and how he feels about me, etc…they were actually pretty good. LOL.
I didn’t like how the men were just standing there waiting…ewww. I don’t know, maybe if it had of been women, it would have been a different story. lol. But then again, I have no desire to have multiple partners in a night…that’s a turn off to me. Just too much going around out there.
I realized several things:
Well, I actually did almost go to another one…but I wanted to bring a buddy along and she punked out at the last minute. And well, that was that. My one swingers party…I saw waaaay too much and wish to never go another one ever again. Just not something for me.
A few months later, I admited to myself…I’m a lesbian. I got my gf. I’m in love. I have the best sex and orgasms! And I’m living happily ever after! lol
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It never ceases to amaze me how much energy we expend on negativity. Granted there are some aspects of my life that I would like to change and there are some people that I don’t care for too much, and that’s fine. But if I spend my energy and time “hating” then that’s less time I can spend focusing on me and doing what I have to do. A co-worker once told me that he was too selfish to worry about what I do, because thats taking time away from his thoughts about himself. LOL. But, its so true!
I’m reading a great book called “The One Minute Millionaire” and while I’ve read many books of this genre, I think this one is pretty good. The focus is on getting your thinking “right” to create the results you want. We tend to dismiss positive thoughts and focus on negative thoughts and even blow them way up and fester on things that will most likely never happen. We tend shoot ourselves down when we have idea’s. In the book they call it Ms. Yabut as in “yeah, but…” For example, you want to open your own business and then a voice in your head says “yeah, but….” or you want to go back to school and that same voice says “yeah, but…” I am wearing a rubber band right now so that anytime I get a negative though or a “yabut” i snap my self on the wrist. Hopefully, this doesn’t get out of hand. LOL.
I had resolved not to like my son’s dad new girlfriend. For some reason I made an assessement that she was ghetto and uneducated and therefore, beneath me. So I figured I would just ignore her. It really take a lot of effort to ignore someone and I realized I was expending way too much energy. And you know what quite honestly, I do think she’s borderline ghetto and quite possiblity uneducated but she’s not beneath me…we all are children of God and no one is above or beneath anyone else. Hate, anger and animosity are huge energy expenders! And guess what? Half the people you hate don’t know and the other half don’t care…so why bother??!! And when you put out negative energy that’s exactly what you are going to get back.
My focus is attracting abundance to my life. I want the best of everything, because I deserve it! I want my family and friends to have the best of everything too! I don’t have room for negative thoughts or negative people in my life. No time for it, I don’t need or want that around me. Today I declined to go out to lunch with some folks because all they do is talk about other people. To my core I can’t stand that. I am very solution-focused. If you have a problem with someone, analyze it, find a solution, implement it and move on…why dwell on crap? Talking about people serves no purpose other than to reveal the character of the person doing the talking.
I plan to post more about the book, what I am learning and how I am transforming because of what I’ve read. One of my favorite bible verses reads:
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by a renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.
There are so many ways I can go with this post, but that would be a few posts and I will come back to that at a later date.
If you aren’t where you want to be, it all starts with your thoughts…the way that you think. That truly is the first step. You have to have a made up mind and focus your intentions on postive outcomes in order to achieve positive thoughts. How can you achieve positive results with negative thoughts?? It just can’t happen…like attracts like!
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Tagged: abundance, intentions, positive, thoughts
I always say there isn’t enough promotion of Ovarian Cancer Awareness. We see pink everywhere for Breast Cancer Awareness, which is great! I am glad that people are taking it seriously and working for a cure.
My mom lost her battle against this disease back in 2002. Ovarian Cancer is sometimes called a silent killer, there are virtually no symptoms and many people don’t find out they have it until its too late. And the symptoms that do surface are usually not significant enough to cause alarm in most women. My goal is to start out being a champion for additional research to find a cure. It’s starts with me, and when I came across this organization, Teal Toe’s, I remembered how powerful one person can be in making a difference.
Teal Toes is an organization dedicated to raising ovarian cancer awareness. By painting toenails teal (the color for Ovarian Cancer) they seek to raise awareness for the disease. What a great idea! Every little bit helps! Check them out at: http://www.tealtoes.org/.
September is National Ovarian Cancer month, so I will be updating information about the disease and I hope that you help by spreading the word on your blogs, twitter, etc…
Here are common symptoms (taken from Ovarian Cancer National Awareness site):
Even in its early stages ovarian cancer has symptoms. Research indicates that 95 percent of women with ovarian cancer had symptoms and 90 percent of women experienced symptoms with early-stage ovarian cancer. Symptoms vary from woman to woman and many times depend on the location of the tumor and its impact on the surrounding organs. Many of the symptoms mimic other conditions such as irritable bowel syndrome.
The Gynecologic Cancer Foundation, the Society of Gynecologic Oncologists and the American Cancer Society, with significant support from the Alliance formed a consensus statement on ovarian cancer. The Ovarian Cancer National Alliance has endorsed the consensus statement, which was announced in June 2007. The statement follows.
Historically ovarian cancer was called the “silent killer” because symptoms were not thought to develop until the chance of cure was poor. However, recent studies have shown this term is untrue and that the following symptoms are much more likely to occur in women with ovarian cancer than women in the general population. These symptoms include:
Women with ovarian cancer report that symptoms are persistent and represent a change from normal for their bodies. The frequency and/or number of such symptoms are key factors in the diagnosis of ovarian cancer. Several studies show that even early stage ovarian cancer can produce these symptoms.
Women who have these symptoms almost daily for more than a few weeks should see their doctor, preferably a gynecologist. Prompt medical evaluation may lead to detection at the earliest possible stage of the disease. Early stage diagnosis is associated with an improved prognosis.
Several other symptoms have been commonly reported by women with ovarian cancer. These symptoms include fatigue, indigestion, back pain, pain with intercourse, constipation and menstrual irregularities. However, these other symptoms are not as useful in identifying ovarian cancer because they are also found in equal frequency in women in the general population who do not have ovarian cancer.
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Tagged: national ovarian cancer awareness month, ovarian caner
I spend my entire working day trying to figure out how to make things better. I am all about efficient processes that run smoothly, lack bottles and for lack of a better word, don’t waste my time. I am easily irked when I see lines for know damn reason and folks who make my life harder because they don’t know that the hell they are doing.
Having said that, for the past year or so I probably have violated all the rules of engagement when it comes to being efficient and effective. I have so much going on…all good stuff nonetheless but I have really gotten out of doing what I do best. Maximizing resources and minimizing the stuff that gets in the way. For over a year I’ve been talking about renting my basement apartment out again, but I haven’t done anything. I’ve been stuff on the minor work that needs done down there that I haven’t gotten accomplished. And since my skills in that area are limited, I would have to get someone to do it…and I guess I’ve been rather cheap. So I’ve probably lost, as much as it hates me to admit it well over ten grand income because the apartment has been sitting there, empty. Anyways, my gf finance 
we laying in bed talking about things and I again said how I need to rent out the basement. But there was work to be done. And i kinda volunteered to do the painting, and she quickly replied that we we painted our bedroom, she painted over what I did. LOL. So, she said she will paint. Then I quickly pointed out how she has been painting the outside door, putting up our crown moulding and taking down the old coffee maker for a bit over a year now. So yeah…leave it to her and the apartment will be empty for another year. So, I started thinking. You know when you face a situation and you say you can’t, you immediately close your mind to all the possibilities there are. But when you say, How can I? Then you begin to think of ways to do what needs to be done. And that’s when I had a moment. What if I rent out the basement at half the price in exchange for a handyman/woman to do the minor things that needs to be done? This way I get some income and get what needs to be accomplished done. Then I can rent the apartment out for more than I did before because it will be renovated. I like that idea!
So now, I feel the old me coming back…I feel my out of the box thinking kicking into high gear. Because there are somethings that I need/want to do that I really need to put my thinking cap on to make sense of it all and to figure out a plan of attack.
Yeah, I’m not sure the purpose of this blog, there was really no point to all this…but it did help me with clarity. I guess that’s why writing is so good for the mind. Anyway, I have an interview today. I’m not enthused nor did I even wear a suit lol…but whatever if they like me great, if not oh well.
Happy Friday everyone! Have a great weekend!
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I am a HUGE Micheal Jackson fan. His sudden passing is stunning to say the least. MJ, is a incredible artist and though he has been imitated, he can never be duplicated. Here is one of my favorite MJ songs, it has gotten me through quite a few things. I will probably post more about this later, but right now, enjoy this song!
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