My First Lesbian Love Part 4

I was inspired by Alix to pick up where this story left off. This is sometimes a joy and equally difficult to write, hence, why I have been working on this for months. But nonetheless, here goes part 4…

Part 4 only makes since after readying parts 1, 2 and 3.  This one is kinda long, get comfy

So there I was making the long trip from State College, Pa to Lexington, KY to visit the woman who I loved and lost. The one who broke my heart into a million small pieces. But she contacted me and something compelled me to just hop on the bus to see her. I actually had just bought tickets to a PSU vs somebody (I can’t remember who) football game. It would have been my first Penn State football game…I mean you can’t attend Penn State without going to a football game! Lol

I can’t even remember how long it took to get there, all I remember was my heart beating madly out of control. Several times, I had to pick it up and put it back in my chest because my heart was beating so hard, so fast. Gosh, maybe I shouldn’t go I thought…but it was too late. I was already on my way there. Would she still like me? I’m a little thicker than when she saw me last (actually, I was in the best shape of my life and curves had grew all in the right places)? What does she look like? My mind was moving a million miles a minute…faster than the bus. The trip is a blur, I can’t remember if it took 10, 11 or 12 hours to get there, all I remember was the bus stopping…Lexington, KY. It was time to get off and face the woman whom I loved dearly and broke my heart into two.

There she stood, there I stood. Where I had a million thoughts suddenly, I had none. I was happy to see her, she was happy to see me too! Her friend and teammate drove her to pick me up from the bus station. We hugged and got in the jeep and drove back to campus.

I stayed in her dorm, her roomie was away for the weekend. I know we went to see The Blair Witch Project that weekend and ate lots of KFC.

Somehow, we winded up kissing. I remember her telling me that I didn’t know how fine I was. She remembers things about that day that I don’t even recall. I remember making love to her, it was like we had never been apart. It was beautiful, wonderful and just so so right. She still had basketball practice, so I used the time she was away to study. I remember her coming back from basketball practice glistening in sweat. The sweat on her arms highlighted her muscular arms. I remember looking at all six-foot two inches of her in awe, I have never been so attracted to and so in love with anyone as I was with her.

We spent a lot of time together, talking, laughing, catching up on old times and making love. It was a wonderful weekend. But then I noticed that she began to pull away from me. Something changed. I didn’t know what it was or how to respond. I remember when I was there her girlfriend called (she was dating or somewhat dating this girl we both went to school with, this girl who she was with during her senior of HS. So, I thought that she had broke up with me for this girl. So I didn’t care and had no qualms about being with her…I guess it was my own form of revenge) and I begin to feel bad about even the possibility of being #2. Hell, I am #1…always was and always will be! But I digress…

So, as all good things go, our weekend came to an end. Sometime between that weekend and some days later I got an email from T. Basically saying how her gf was her “angel” blah blah blah. Long story short, we could be friends but nothing more. I got burned again! This time, I guess because I had my guard up, it took me maybe a few weeks to get over it. I believe she called me after that email, I can’t recall if I didn’t answer or if we spoke. Either way, that was the end of us.

Life went on. I experimented with other girls, but never went all the way. Never had I any real feelings for any girl or guy. I never identified as gay, I just thought I was a straight girl who had an experience. There wasn’t a week that went by that I didn’t think of T. There wasn’t a year that went by that I didn’t remember her birthday. I remember being so angry with myself for remembering those things and even thinking about her. Every so often, I would Google her name. She played ball so it was easy to find information on her, she was doing well. I used think “does she think of me, does she even remember me”. I thought of her as probably some type of player, someone who had loads of girlfriends. But more so I thought that our relationship meant nothing to her and that she never really loved me.

I just let that part of me go. I wasn’t really attracted to any other women, except for a few I would see on TV. Everyone I was around was straight, so it was just easier to just go on and date guys. But funny thing, I never really dated many guys either…I wasn’t attracted to very many guys. In my senior year of college, I got pregnant with my son. I finished school and was ready to marry my son’s father. I thought I loved him, but I knew I didn’t love him that much. I convinced myself that I would grow to love him. After all, isn’t marrying him the right thing to do? I mean, I graduated from college, I had started my career, I already had a child. I was just missing the marriage piece, right? I mean, I reasoned that I had to check off that box. There I was ready to marry someone who was not only not for me, but someone who I didn’t love. Moreover, this someone was emotionally, mentally and sometimes even physically abusive to me.

I saw love as something that everyone could/should/would have but me. I just wanted to focus on my career. I didn’t strive to find someone who would treat me right because of loosing my only love not once but twice and because I just thought it was too hard. I just felt that you could love someone with everything and they can still leave you. I didn’t want to endure another broken heart.

One day I looked in the mirror and I did not recognize the person staring back at me. I remember after a particurlary bad argument with my son’s father one morning while I was driving I looked down at my hand on the steering wheel and it was shaking. It was then that I decided to take my life back, I realized that I couldn’t put myself or my son through a life with a “man” who was just horrible to me. I didn’t want my son to see that. I didn’t want him to think that was normal or OK.

During this time, my mom had passed away. It was a difficult time for me. Still, I thought about T. Sometimes, I wondered if she knew what I was going through if she would come console me. I remember her and despite everything, she was always there for me. I remember her putting me and what I wanted/needed even before her own wants and needs. I remember spending that time surrounded by people but alone. It was around this time I started going back to church.

I told my son’s dad that I was moving out. He told me I couldn’t do it, I didn’t make enough money to live on my own. He constantly sought to discourage me and to make me doubt myself and my abilities. What he didn’t know was that my desire to succeed and to have a better life was greater than his need to control and his insecurities. He told me that if I moved out, that would be the end of us…and that was fine by me.

Still, I never forgot T. Every now and again, I would wonder where she was and how she was. I would also remember still being angry with what she did to me. Still upset that I never forgot her and tried as hard as I could to stop loving her. I hated that I still loved her. Not that I admit it to myself that I did, but deep down I did. So, I was on my own. I had my share of struggles, but I fought back. My income increased until I was good quite well. Soon, I bought my own home and had a pretty good side business. I spent a lot of time in church, on this group or on that group. Still, something was missing, I didn’t know what it was. And if I felt it, I would just pray, go to church or bible study or whatever was going on or work on my business until the week hours of the morning.

One unassuming day in late December, I received a message via reunion.com from “T”. When I saw her name, my heart stopped. A rush of emotions and thoughts flooded my head and my heart. Nothing would prepare for what was to come…